Asshole

Perhaps the King of all drinking games, Asshole is a true American classic. Asshole is a game that tests one's ability to concentrate as well as their threshold for humiliation, for the object of the game is for those in power to abuse those who are not, for as Mel Brooks would say, "It's good to be the King!" We're sure that most of you out there have at least heard of this game, and we are aware that there are many different ways to play. With this in mind, the following is intended as a basic outline of the rules.

The first thing you need is a group of willing and open people, a large table and a deck of cards. Further, be advised that plenty of beer should be on hand as this game has a tendency for mass consumption. Shuffle the cards, (we realize that this maybe obvious however there are bone heads out there) and remove the jokers. To begin play, place all of the cards in the middle of the table and have every player draw a card. The player with the highest card, 2 being low and Ace high, is appointed President. The next highest card holder becomes the Vice-president, and soon and so forth until the player holding the lowest card becomes affectionately known as the Asshole. (Players occupying positions falling between VP and Asshole may choose titles as well. Sergeant at Arms, Speaker of the House and Doorman are often used, however all titles are subject to the dreaded Presidential veto and his or her subsequent wrath, so be humble.) In the event that two or more players draw the same value card, simply have those players draw again so that their position can be determined. However, if one of the players involved in a second drawing happens to draw a card higher than the card that the President drew then that player does not become President. They assume the position in question and the loser of the draw -off takes the position below that person.

NOTE: An alternate way of beginning can be found in the section entitled "Variations" at the end of the game description.

Finally you are set to begin the game. The players should now arrange themselves around the table in an order corresponding to their rank, with the President at the head of the table and the Asshole and the Vice President to his or her immediate right and left, respectively. The Asshole is given the deck of cards and it's now his or her job to be the dealer. Further, before cards are dealt out it is the President who decides to whom the Asshole will deal first, thus determining which players will receive the extra cards in the event this will occur. No one player can be given more than one extra card. Hence, it is not possible for a player to begin a game with two more cards than any other player.

Before play begins, the Asshole must give the President the two best cards in his or her hand and in return he or she receives two cards from the Presidents own hand, usually his or her two worst cards. However, there is no stipulation that this must be so. The Asshole on the other hand MUST cough up his two most prized possessions or face a penalty including but not limited to unusually large amounts of alcohol, public humiliation, and the pleasure of retaining the position of Asshole not only for the remainder of the game but, in some cases, for the remainder of his life. (Sorry kids, no beatings) The card order remains the same with the exception of the "2", which acts as a trump card and is thusly the most powerful card in the game. The VP and the Yutz, as the person occupying the position just above the Asshole is often known, exchange cards as well. However, only one card is exchanged.

During play, the object of the game is to get rid of all of your cards first. Whoever completes this task first becomes the President. Players remain in their positions until the end of the round at which point they rearrange themselves in the new rank dictated by the outcome of the previous game. It is the President who throws down the first card.

Unless the Vice President plays a "2", the next player in turn would have the same options corresponding to the highest card on the table. If in this situation the VP had chosen to pass, the high card would remain the Jack. Play continues in this fashion around the table until no player can beat or match the highest card played or a "2" is thrown, at which point the round ends and the cards are swept away by the Asshole Play begins anew with the player who threw down the highest card in the previous round.

Players beginning a round have the option of playing a single card, a pair, three or even four of a kind. Our second scenario involves a player beginning a round by throwing a pair after winning the previous round. Lets say our "Secretary of Anarchy and General Mayhem" starts play with a pair of sevens, the same rules apply as above with the following exceptions. A single card cannot be thrown on a pair. In other words, a single eight does not beat a pair of sevens, but a pair of eights, nines or so on are acceptable. Further, a single"2" will still trump a pair or even three of a kind had the round begun in that fashion. To reiterate, the rules for pairs and three or four of a kind do not change from those of single card play with the exception of the aforementioned "two" rule. However, once play begins in a certain mode, (i.e.. single, pair etc.) play must continue in that mode for the remainder of the round. So don't even think about throwing three of any kind on a pair of anything, you'll just be making an ass of yourself.

CHEATING:

Cheating in Asshole, quite simply, ruins a game. Players tend to become very upset when they find out that they are stuck in allow position because someone else has cheated. Cheating can include dropping or hiding cards, or else passing cards back and forth between players during a game. Really good cheaters can pick up cards from the pile that has been swept. Even the Asshole can catch the President on this, and the penalty is election to the Asshole position for the next round. Cheating can be dealt with in other ways and it is up to the creativity of the players involved to see that the punishment fits the crime.

VARIATIONS:

GAME QUIRKS AND PERKS:

One Must do WHATEVER those above them tell them to do, no matter what, thus the attractiveness of the Presidency. (See Author's experiences below) Don't be shy or squeamish kids, post game hard feelings are not tolerated by the God of "all which does not suck", which this game doesn't, so don't make it. However, let's not have the Asshole sent out for pizza as great boredom will ensue during the time elapsed and all players, at least those with their hearts in the right place, will be ingrate danger of passing out. In addition, a hat should be worn by the player occupying the "Thrown of Ass" or the position of Asshole at all times. Suggestions for such a hat include an empty case of beer, a pink fedora with purple plumage or Mickey Mouse ears, we strongly urge you to be as creative as your trash bin allows. Speaking of creativity, if a player remains President for three consecutive rounds he or she is allowed to make a rule. For example, everyone but the President must drink a bit o' beer when a 5 is thrown in the game. The President can make any rule he or she likes each time his or her longevity reaches a consecutive multiple of three. We say consecutive so you understand that you can't stock previous visits to the proverbial Oval Office until you have three. It's three in a rows on, that's in a row. Be creative but try not to be a creative pain in the butt, forcing everyone to drink on any card thrown is not only an annoying rule but it's stupid, you have that power anyway so why waste a rule?

EXPERIENCES:

Let's just say that we've seen it all in this game. From an Asshole forced to strip, place a sock on his penis and mouse ears on his head to a young female Assette smoking a cigar while barely wearing a pair of her President's jockey shorts, her beer soaked and, at that point, completely see-through bra, and nothing else, it has been hard core. It doesn't have to be this raw, but why wouldn't you want it that way?

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Good players will hold their cards and use them to their best advantage. A steady climb up the ladder of power is often better than a hard fall from grace. Do us proud and don't let the tradition die. Remember that the best President is truly the Asshole. However, don't do anything that you're not comfortable with, and don't force others into something they simply won't do. When someone crosses that imaginary line of acceptability the fun ends and the bickering begins. Normally everyone is just looking to have fun, the personalities of the participants will dictate the course of the game. Lastly, a word to the wise, it's all fun and games until somebody can't make bail.